bad day! good week!

i swear that day last october comes back to haunt me all the time!
it sucks. but oh well.

it's not that i don't trust him it's just... more of not trusting his heart.
or not wanting to lose his heart...again.

so yeah today=bad day but it's gotten a bit better.
tomorrow= GAME!!!

our soccer team be kicking ass this year! raping stockbridge 7-0
that what im talking about.

really wanna read Duma Key! wish i had that book

saturday is michael's birthday. i don't think im going to get to see him. that sucks! :( that is definately going to ruin my saturday.

getting tooth pulled out tomorrow! finally.
mommy checked me and michael out yesterday:) he went with me to the dentist! :D how sweet! and we went out to eat!

im sorry
i know that sometimes i get in that mood where i seem to only look at the negative things.
everyone has those days. i hate them. i feel like shit!

i only really get there when i don't feel good or it's that time(you know what i mean)

i guess im meanest to michael.
especially when it's those days.
today was that day for me i guess.

i mean...ugh... im gonna just let it out and im sorry if it sounds mean and is hurtful....

i guess it's just this past week but i felt like michael didn't want me anymore.
today he kissed me twice. usually i get at least four or five. :(
and then i was freezing cold at soccer practice and before it started everyone was just sitting around and he wouldnt hold me like he normally would.
and then like i look around and jaz is with michelle, and corey is with ashlynn.
i guess i just felt like everyones boyfriend cared about them except mine. :(

i know thats a horrible thing to say cuz i know he loves me... i love him so much.
just today i felt like "i wish he really wanted to be with me", the way i wanna be with him. i just want to feel...?.. loved, needed, wanted, cared for.
and i do sometimes. a lot. just not recently really.

i think it only really hurt me cuz i felt that same way right before Will broke up with me. well a little different though. i didn't feel like he loved me. and that stinks cuz i hate when michael reminds me of Will. it's scary.
i really don't want to lose him. i love him... SO MUCH!

it's just one of those days.
and i don't want to tell him... not how i feel about his actions.

i want him to do what he wants.
well... no. i want him to hold me and hug me and kiss me cuz HE wants, not b/c i tell him.
and thats how i always feel. like he changes b/c of what i say. it lasts about two or three days and then it's the same again. so whats the point. that is just how he is and i can't change that.

but i love him. and if that is how he is then ill change and get used to it. i don't want to change him. that is wrong. but i will change for him.
ill grow up and stop complaining everytime i feel like this.
so what if other couples around us are all cutesy flirty.
we don't have to be that way.

im fine with that.
i love him.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

update/news/excertps

so weeks off can get really boring. i don't like them. i like seeing my friends and especially michael everyday.
im writing a short story for him.
it's not finished but i think its really good.

excerpt:
Ups and downs are only the points of highlight on a rollercoaster but my story is about the twists and turns that get you to those nausiating moments.
excerpt end

i once told myself that i refuse to be one of those girls who wear their emotions on their sleeves. i don't wish to have to constantly wear a mood ring so people know whether or not it's safe to approach me.
i just wanna be me and yes i have my ups and downs i just don't like sharing them with too many poeple.

news:
*michael's dad is coming to georgia next month and i am meeting him.
at first i was really scared. i was nervous and i thought "what if he didnt like me either?"
but i've been talking to him lately and im not that scared anymore.

*michael's mom actually said she likes me now. WOW. i never thought she'd say that. things are looking better now. im happy.

*so far i've seen michael every other day over this break.i thought it would be horrible and id miss him like crazy. well i do the days i dont see him but it isnt like im going a week without seeing him.

*9 MONTHS SINCE LAST TUESDAY!!! I AM SO ECSTATIC! HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM AND BE HERE FOR HIM. HE IS THE BEST BOYFRIEND. I COULDNT ASK FOR ANYONE BETTER!


im happy with my life right now and i don't want anything to change.
except i really really want this book called DUMA KEY by:stephen king!!!!!!!!!
and i want to get my tooth pulled already! ugh.
other than that im good with the way things are. :)

love you michael ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

SLEEP?...no sex

why does it always have to do with sex?
why can't i just sleep next to him?
i've fallen asleep many many times on him.

i know my bounaries and i know how far i can push myself and when to stop.
so... why can't i just sleep next to him?

i wish i could fall asleep in his arms and wake up to those arms still around me.
i fell asleep. he was there. a bad dream? oh yes... and i awoke but he wasnt tere.

he makes me feel so safe. he protects me from the others at school. when other guys would hit me. it's only play but he keeps me safe.
and when im cold he keeps me warm. when my stomach attacks me he makes it better.

he cares for me and that makes me smile. im happy when he's near.

i only wish i could fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his smile.
but whay can't i sleep next to him?
ill tell you why...

because society has made it where, if two people of the opposite sex sleep together then somehow sex is always involved.

our promise: we wouldn't have sex until we're old enough and have enough money for if i do get pregnant we can pay for the baby.

why is this so weird? i love this promise and im so happy that we can have a relationsip that is based on more than sex.





I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! AND EVERYTHING HE DOES FOR ME. NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK. HE IS THE BEST TO ME! :)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥